the Toilet

| February 27, 2015

I don’t know that I should be writing about this before I fully collect my thoughts, but people should be aware of the contraption on which I found myself tonight.

Funny toilets, weird toilets

I am no ordinary toilet.

When I first sat down on this toilet, I noticed some whirring taking place underneath me. Later, when Paul used the toilet, he was, of course, standing. That’s when he began reading aloud the instructions. After he flushed the toilet (which is akin to inserting a toner cartridge into a Xerox machine), I rushed back in to try it out.  I sat down.

I pushed a button.

Water shot directly up my ass.

I shrieked. Immediately following the cleansing, heat began blowing on my rear end. It felt like a hair dryer.

I decided to adjust, to see if there was a better angle for this process. Water shot up my hoo-hoo and then the dryer blasted me.

I then realized that the length of squirt time had differed for each test. I naturally wondered what would happen if I held the button down instead of just pushing it.

Water shot up my regions again, then turned from a pleasant warm to an ice cold. Immediately followed by the blast of hot air, which felt very odd after the ice cold spray on my bits.

In conclusion, I feel clean, violated, and excited to see what tomorrow brings.



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Category: Europe, In Germany A Broad blog, Shits & Giggles, Travel, Uncategorized

About the Author ()

Kari Martindale is a writer and ESL instructor. She’s visited all 50 states and 37 countries, including many of the big cities of Europe and a ton of Christmas Markets. She spends her days straddling the fence between a sense of adventure and a sense of dread. She is married to what is clearly a patient man and has a daughter who, frustratingly, is just like her. Her academic and professional backgrounds are in linguistics and foreign languages. When she's not teaching ESL, she's writing. When she's not writing, she's thinking about her next trip.

Comments (2)

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  1. Jacki Reese says:

    Oh, I wish I’d been there. I would have, however, peed my pants long before I got anywhere near the toilet.