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Everyone has advice about Venice after they visit. My main advice is to chill out and recognize ahead of time that you have no idea where the hell you are at almost every moment in Venice, yet it is too gorgeous not to appreciate it. That said, here’s the lowdown on one of the most breathtaking cities one can experience. With caveats.
GETTING AROUND
I had pictured Venice as a city with some canals and gondolas and bridges, but otherwise modernized with cars and such. I was mistaken. We did not see a car from the moment we left the airport until the moment we returned to it. Venice is a city of only canals and bridges and boats and walking. If you do not have good walking shoes, forget about it. Just stay home.
BOATS
The best day to take a boat: a clear day in spring, when there is still snow on the Alps.
GONDOLA
YOUR FEET
SIGNS
Utterly useless.
MAPS
A dead end in Venice looks like this, this, and this. You will see many like them.
(Exception: If you have a map of Venice, this is a great idea for use as backup toilet paper.)
TOILETS IN VENICE
Otherwise, just walk into an establishment and ask to use theirs. Don’t be shy; otherwise, you’ll either be going in the canal or wandering the city until your bladder explodes. Do not rely on toilet paper being present in the bathroom (here’s where your map would be most useful).
Be prepared to search for the method of flushing the toilet. There are as many ways to flush toilets in Venice as there are gondolas. In one bathroom, Sequoia and I each stepped into stalls. After flushing, I emerged, then waited for a while before asking if everything was all right. Sequoia: “Yessss…” Me: “Do you know how to flush the toilet?” Sequoia: “Nooooo…” The line that had formed chuckled. I explained the foot pump, there was silence, then “I got it.” Also: toilets might or might not be bolted to the floor, might or might not have all pieces attached, and might or might not be taller than YOUR CALF.
SITTING DOWN
Since views cost money, don’t expect to sit down on benches. Expect to sit on an expensive chair, or the ground. The only place you might find a free “seat” is on the upside-down planks they have out all around town for use as sidewalks when floods are high.
EATING IN VENICE
General rule of thumb: the more languages on the menu, the faster you run in the opposite direction. Also, if there are waiters standing outside attempting to kidnap you and drag you into the restaurant, hold your family tight and run even faster in the opposite direction. The closer to the square, the more mediocre the food and the more expensive for a morsel. The best restaurants are down the alleys, tiny, tucked away, displaying a small menu in Italian only or perhaps with an English translation below each dish—or posting no menu at all. They might offer translated menus inside, but their menu outside isn’t seven pages wide with giant flags for each country up top or, worse, a chalkboard advertising the “Tourist Menu!”
Food With a View
Beer
Normal beer: a few euro. Beer standing up: a few euro. Beer sitting down outside at San Marco: cash out your IRA. Some restaurants pad the menu prices; others tack on a “music charge”, e.g. an extra 6 euro per adult just to sit down and hear their violinist play in the background.
Pizza
There are three kinds of pizza in Venice:
2. Pizza that isn’t too bad. This comes from places that don’t look like chains, and are down alleys and not high-traffic areas.
Squid Ink
Dessert
Eat it. Gelato: It’s everywhere. Breads, cakes, chocolate desserts, etc.
Wine
Drink it. Feel free to ask for the house wine if you have no idea what the hell to order. Go to a wine bar. Tell them what you like and then let them surprise you. Also, indulge two old Italian men when they offer to take a photo of your family, with your iphone. It will result in them thinking they’re not pushing the right button, followed by nineteen successive photos, most of which include an old man’s finger.
My restaurant notes:
Here are the restaurants for which I have records, along with what I liked and didn’t like, how much meals cost, etc., to help you decide if you might want to try them. Trattoria Antica Mola, Cannaregio 2800 This was a favorite meal for me. I started with a shrimp appetizer, followed by a cannelloni with melt-in-your-mouth dough. Paul attempted to ruin my meal by eating squid ink spaghetti across from me. This is where Sequoia had her amazing dessert experience. If you don’t mind tipping an (excellent) accordion player who might pass by, this is a great find. It’s on the lagoon side, away from most tourists. I would return. (3 entrees, an appetizer, wine, beer, two desserts, bottled water, coffee: 62,50. We have to stop letting Sequoia drink so much wine and coffee.) Osteria Al Mariner, Cannaregio 2679 We ate here our first night. Since it’s just a couple canals from the lagoon, it’s not filled with tourists. In fact, we were the only ones speaking English, and almost everyone who entered actually knew the bartender. I had shrimp and pasta–yum. Sequoia regretted trying the spaghetti carbonara–bacon and eggs sounded more tasty on the menu than on her spaghetti. Whatever Paul ate, he enjoyed. We considered returning. (Take off the bar charges and our family total, including service charge, was 38,00.) Osteria Da Bacco S.N.C., Castello 4620 We stopped here for basically tapas, and were not disappointed. Cozy, good service. Right by where the action is, but along an alley and without a barker outside luring people in. I would return for lunch, for sure. (4 tapas, 3 drinks = 23,00) Gelateria “Al Todaro”, San Marco 3 If you noticed, the address is “San Marco”. This would be why our bill includes a 17,90 beer and an 8,90 cup of tea. They threw in a bowl of potato chips for free. It cost us 26,80 to sit with a view. It was a wonderful view, and we knew what we were getting into, but be advised, theirs will be the most expensive beer you ever pay for. (If you’re converting, that beer cost over $20 for one bottle.)
Ostaria all’antico Dolo, Ruga Rialto 778 
This is a cozy little place just off the Grand Canal/Rialto Bridge. I wish I had known that there was a hint of squid ink in the dish I ordered–it would have made my visit slightly more pleasant. The shrimp appetizer was great, as were the breads. We were very happy with this find. I was doing all right with the squid ink situation until Paul asked me about it and I had to verbalize what I was eating; then I couldn’t make it any farther into the dish. I would, however, return. Rossopomodoro, Calle San Marco 403 Meh. Pizza: mediocre. Rigatoni: Mediocre. Free wi-fi! Family friendly. Reasonably priced. Would I return? Probably not. But if you like chain restaurants back home, this will probably work for you. (Our family lunch for three with drinks came to 37,90.) McDonald’s – Cannaregio 3922 Um. It’s McDonald’s. They have a bathroom. My awesome pizza Down an alley that lets out at a courtyard. Red awning. Good luck.
When we weren’t that hungry, we stopped at the farmer’s market for fresh fruit. We would grab a drink and grapes/kiwi/strawberries, at prices ranging from 5,00-8,00 per visit. This farmer’s market is located two thirds of the way between San Marco and our hotel. You’re welcome.
SAN MARCO/ST. MARK’S SQUARE
Doge’s Palace
I had read that you had to do the Secret Itineraries tour in order to see the dungeons. This was not the case. Regular admission gets you across the Bridge of Sighs and into the prisons. If you’re a major history buff, you might want to do the tour; otherwise, you get to wander on your own time schedule if you get the cheaper ticket, and your kid doesn’t have to follow a tour guide.
St. Mark’s Clock Tower
There is a tall tower in Venice. If you’re not holding your child’s hand when visiting the tall tower, the Italians will leave your child at the bottom of it. It will go like this: I’m buying tickets. The ticket agent has to go off to get change for me. I look at the receipt to make sure I received the proper change, and Paul nudges me toward the elevator because he is always concerned that I am not holding up the people behind me. What Paul is not concerned about: whether Sequoia is on the elevator he is pushing me onto before the doors shut. I look at him, he looks around, and the door completes its last millimeter of shutting. I begin banging on the elevator door (a known method for opening elevator doors). The elevator operator asks me to calm down as he attempts to reopen them. They do not reopen. I do not look at Paul. The operator attempts to reverse the direction of the elevator, which has already begun its ascent. I do not look at Paul. The operator tells us to stay on the elevator. Like I’m getting the fuck off. The operator lets everyone off, lets on a new group, and returns to the base of the tower. When the elevator doors open, the first thing my daughter sees is not her mother. It is the elevator operator in that stance where an Italian man squats at the knees, reaches out, and says, “Come to papa!” She doesn’t come to papa. I lean into view and she runs to me, bursting into tears. I hug her, silently break down, and ride to the top of the tower. Paul thanks the Italians for putting bars on the windows so his wife can’t throw him over the side.
MAGIC TREEHOUSE
Has your child read the Magic Treehouse series of books, specifically Carnival at Candlelight? Okay, she now knows everything about Venice. While I would not rely heavily upon her knowledge, I would hesitate to call her any less helpful than a map or a sign.
TOURISTS
BUILDINGS
Never have I found peeling paint, mildewed façade, water damage and disrepair so beautiful.
KEEPING YOUR CHANGE IN YOUR POCKET
Good luck. If you have a kid, you will end up with some piece of crapola like this splatting toy sold illegally by guys on the street:
MURANO AND BURANO
There are better deals on Murano glass up the street from the factory. It’s a cute island worth seeing for its glass sculptures in the streets.
We then took a ferry to… Burano. 
Super charming. We personally did not mind paying a bit extra to sit right on the corner of the canal to eat. I wish I remembered the name of the restaurant, because my risotto was awesome. 
How we did the islands: We took a free shuttle from our hotel to Murano, toured the glass factory, bought a souvenir, walked around Murano, took a ferry to Burano, ate lunch and spent the afternoon there, then took the ferry back to our stop in Venice.
SHIT THAT’S EVERYWHERE
Murano Glass (and its knock-offs), masks (made in Venice, made in China), pigeons (which will not hesitate to dive-bomb), gelato, guys selling illegal purses, and guys selling the goddamned toys that splat. If you need a break, stand and observe the guys illegally selling purses and splats. As soon as the cops approach, they gather their goods and run. Amusing.
WHERE WE STAYED
The Boscolo Venezia, a Marriott Autograph Collection property, is on the lagoon across from Murano. It’s a lovely old convent that has been converted into a hotel, and it was beautiful. The gardens were awesome, with nooks and crannies for a child to hide in.
That same child, however, had to walk a minimum of half an hour to get to San Marco, and that was when we didn’t get lost. So…once.
You basically have to balance how close to the tourist attractions vs. how remote you want to be, how much you want to spend, whether you want to be around tourists or not, etc. I’m glad I didn’t do that much research—I just went with the Marriott property because I was leery of mold being present at other hotels. (It should be noted that my mildly asthmatic child did not have a single problem in Venice, despite all the water damage in conjunction with all the walking. My worries were for nought.) If I’d taken the time to do any actual research, I would have taken 6 months to decide on a hotel. Pictures of two different rooms in the hotel: Our room the first night was lovely, with exposed beams and barred windows overlooking the lagoon.
Due to a miscommunication, the hotel had us in a room without sufficient room for Sequoia. They switched us in the morning and were very accommodating about the situation all around. Our room for the duration of the stay was perfect, with an iconic view of the canal.
IN CONCLUSION
Venice rocks. Just don’t forget walking shoes, and don’t schedule a ton of things to do, particularly if you are going to have to find places not located within one street of one another (and not separated by a canal whose bridges seem to have disappeared).
BONUS PHOTO:
