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So…I’ve stopped breathing, and now you’re afraid that kneeling on my neck for nine minutes might be perceived to have been the cause of my death.
This handy reference guide will help you find just the right excuse for why I died. I mean, I’m White, so this will probably never happen, but it never hurts to be prepared.
I am asthmatic. Try this excuse:
“My knee crushing her neck for nine minutes was no more stressful on her body than her doing some jumping jacks was. Cause of death: Asthma.”
I am overweight. Try this one:
“Her airways have too much pressure on them from her large neck circumference. The weight of my grown adult knee crushing her neck for nine minutes was negligible. Cause of Death: Obesity.”
I have degenerative discs in my neck. Try this one:
“If she hadn’t suffered from degenerative discs, her spine and airways would have been perfectly capable of withstanding the weight of a full-grown man’s knee crushing her neck for nine minutes. Cause of death: Pre-existing neck condition”
I’m epileptic. Try this one:
“Despite my body blocking her view as I was crushing her neck beneath my knee for nine minutes, she saw flashing lights, had a quiet seizure that none of the witnesses noticed but definitely happened, and died. Cause of death: Epilepsy.”
I have sleep apnea. Try this one:
“A person who does not rely on sleep apnea paraphernalia would be able to withstand a knee on their neck for nine minutes. Cause of death: Obstructive Sleep Apnea. My knee was not the obstruction. Really.”
I have shoulder problems. Try this:
“If she hadn’t had shoulder problems, I would have cuffed her. Instead, I was forced to kneel on her neck for nine minutes. Cause of death: Pre-existing shoulder condition.”
When in doubt, simply stick with Cause of Death: Not My Knee. Plenty of people will support you.
Or you could stop kneeling on people’s necks.
